Friday, May 15, 2009

Money is the root of all happiness


Jesus juice. God particle. The Jesus Lizard. Jesus Christ Superstar. this is just to name a few.

There seem to be a lot of people who use your guys names in other connotations or for monetary gain. Does this bother you ? Are you a sell-out or corporate shill, just giving up your "brand" to the highest bidder ? Are you at least getting a kick-back ? And if you are making a profit, shouldn't you be giving it back to your investors i.e. your worshippers ? Or are you just building a really kick-ass house on the west coast with your "product placement" dirty money ?

warm regards,

Financially Unique Child Kindly Trying to Ascertain Real Dynamics


Money makes the world go 'round. If you have a commodity that people want to buy, who am I to judge you for selling?
My point is, Greed, for lack of a better word, is good. Greed is right, greed works. Greed clarifies, cuts through, and captures the essence of the evolutionary spirit. Greed, in all of its forms; greed for life, for money, for love, knowledge has marked the upward surge of mankind. And greed, you mark my words, will not only save your soul, but that other malfunctioning corporation called the USA. Thank you very much.

Blatantly Stealing Lines from Wall Street,
Jesus H. Christ

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Sometimes it isn't meant to be.

Dear Jesus,
I have a boyfriend who barely talks to me. We never see each other and he never e-mails me. It's like he’s ignoring me for some reason. I don't know what to do. A lot of my friends say that he doesn't like me but I don’t believe them. What do you think I should do? Do you think I should dump him?
-Alex Forrest

Dear Alex,
Is this the kind of boyfriend who you only see in passing, and who at night you watch through his bedroom window with a pair of high powered night vision binoculars? If so, then you are what we call a "stalker". If not, then you must be ugly or boring. Either way, he doesn't like you.

Loving you from a safe distance,
Jesus H. Christ

Monday, May 11, 2009

Hotter Than Hell

I have a Carrier A/C condenser unit model 38CKB036. The fan on the unit recently started running continuously, and runs at about 400-500 RPM vs. the rated 1500 RPM. The only way I can stop it is to cut the power at the disconnect. I have replaced the dual run capacitor with no effect and have removed and cleaned / check the contactor. Any idea what can cause this? I am a bit surprised that there is power to the fan when the contacts are open.

Thanks !!

- Cant Understand this Non-working Tech

Dear C.U.N.T.,

Try adding a household lubricant, such as Vaseline or WD-40 to the contactor pegs. Over time, the friction from turning on and off can cause the parts to remain in the on, or the off position. If this does not work, it might be time to call your local priest or pastor to cast the demons out of your A/C unit. Should this still not work, and the demon causes your priest to kill himself, your only option is a new unit.
Your Heavenly Handyman,
Jesus H. Christ

Thursday, May 7, 2009

Incest is Best (if you're a backwoods fuckup.)

Dear Jesus,

I'm almost ashamed to write this, but I have an addiction. Every morning, before I take my shower, I slap my ham to Mother/Sister incest porn. Afterward, I beat myself with a leather belt. It has a metal buckle that stings so good.
Something is clearly wrong with me. What I'm asking is this. Have you ever hooked up with your Mom or Sister? Or Both? Oh yeah, tell me! Yeah yeah,!!!..............
whew, I'm sleepy now.


Dear Anonymous,

What you have is a common fetish for incest. I'd love to help you out, but I find it pretty disgusting myself. However, I've informed the local sex offender registry of your whereabouts in Liberty, South Carolina, and you should be getting a visit from a police officer within the hour.
Thanks for writing in.

Your Friend on Earth and in Heaven,
Jesus Soundwave Christ

Always Show Your Work

Dear JC

I know how to solved the Pell's equations
x^2 - by^2 = 1
x^2 - by^2 = - 1
, but I am interested in the more general
x^2 - by^2 = c
Now I know if we have one solution
then we can find infinitely many solutions with
(p - q\sqrt {b})(r - s\sqrt {b})^n
is the first solution to
x^2 - by^2 = 1
My question is, how do we know when we have all the "primitive" solutions
that will generate all the solutions? (Also, is it possible that there would be infinite primitive solutions?)


Badly Learning Odd Wacked Math Equations

Dear Badly,
Ever Patient and Kind,
Jesus H. Christ

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Bipolar Bitch

Dear Jesus,
I am not sure how I feel about this guy. He really cares for me and likes me a lot. The only problem is that I don't really know if I like him. Some days I miss him and wish I could talk to him, but other days I forget about him and say that I don't like him. What is my problem? Why do I like him some times and others I don't?
Liliana G., Phoenix, AZ

Dear Liliana,

You are seriously fucked up. The End.

Your Loving Lord,
Jesus H. Christ

Talkative Sheep-Fucking Fanboy

Dear J-man...

1)Are you concerned at all that your advice column will be seen as distracting from your main role as savior of the free-world ?

2)When you stub your toe doing stuff around the Hall of Justice, whose name do you take in vain when hopping around like a MF...

3)I think some of my co-workers might "swing from the other side of the plate"... can you provide some sort of divine light over their head, so I know who to point at and call "Rump Wrangler" ?

4)I think Michael Bay should make a movie about your life story... you could be like, walking thru New York as a fucking 200 foot tall glowing pious dude, shooting the non-believers with your death rays while battling big fucking robot Muslims, to a backing soundtrack of Creed music. Hook it up, Jesus...

5)Taste great or Less filling ? Spit or Swallow ?

Thanks for all of your help...

Sheepless in Montana

Dear Sheepless,

1) Don't question my methods. I work in mysterious ways.

2) When I'm not yelling "Ow I broke my fuckin' toe!", I've been known to say "Son of Jor-El!" Gives the fanboy Christians a big chub.

3)The best way to determine this is to wait in the bathroom for one of them to come in. Tap your toe and whistle a little tune in the next stall. If he lets you suck his dick, welcome to the club.

4) Ugh, Dad no! Michael Bay is a tool of the Devil! A big tool!

5)I can turn jizz into wine. And I get drunk A LOT.

Your Sexual Savior,
Jesus H. Christ

Monday, May 4, 2009

Web Help

Dear JesusTalk,

How do i get better at the internet?
Thank you.

Mark P. Smith

Dear Mark P.,
The internet is an ever growing technological wonder, full of information that is more accessible than ever before. Your first step should be to sign up for an Internet Service Provider (or I.S.P. for short). Next you will want to open a web browser, such as Firefox or Internet Explorer. Finally, you will want to visit some websites. Below is a brief list to get you started on your way. The only limit from here, is your imagination and stamina.
Your Golden Idol,
Jesus H. Christ

Threespot Quandary

Dear JesusTalk:
I am 25 and have been in a relationship with 26-year-old "Randolph" for two years. We, of course, have had some emotional ups and downs, but overall it's wonderful. Our sex life has also been incredible. However, about six months ago while playing fantasy games, we pretended we were in other relationships and cheating together, and this was a big turn on for me. Now, whenever we are intimate, I always have to picture him having sex with someone else in order to climax. I keep this secret from him because it is slightly worrisome to me. I often picture him with women I have small jealousies over, and this makes me climax much faster than I ever have been able to before. Should I try a threesome? (Though, the thought of him actually being with someone else does not elicit as positive a response!) Is this fantasy more normal than I think it is? — Stuck in the Gutter

Dear Gutter:
Damn that's hot! Fuck yeah you should! Gimme your number and we'll hook it up. You can watch me and him go at it for a while, then you can join in. I'll bring the wine.
-Your Lord and Savior,
Jesus H. Christ

Sore, Milky Boobs

Dear Jesus Talk Time:
My son is 2 years and 2 months and he loves to nurse; however, I am sometimes too distracted, irritated, etc and think it would be good to wean him. My older son is four and we stopped nursing when I was pregnant and he was two, my nipples were so sore and he was willing to stop since I wasn't producing much milk. Should I stop letting my 2 year-old nurse?
-Lactating in Louisiana

Dear Lactating
Holy shit! WTF is wrong with you?!? Boobs aren't for little kids, you fuckin' perv!! They're for grown men and women to fondle! UGH!!! I think I'm gonna be sick!
Thanks for being a loyal follower! Love ya!
-Jesus H. Christ