Friday, June 5, 2009

Let's get Biblical! Biblical! I wanna get Biblical!

Dear Jesus,

I can't seem to make sense of this video:

Is this true? Is my one wife is not enough?

Confused,

One Man & One Woman?

Dearest One,

The Bible was written by men who had my father's words flow through their arms to their quills, or chisels, or crayons, or whatever the fuck they used to write with. There is no room for interpretation there. Clearly, if you are straight, you should be married to as much poon tang as you can shake your schlong at. But no gay marriage. If there's a girl you like who doesn't like you back, go ahead and rape her. Then she'll have to marry you. But no gay marriage. Got a sexy maid? Bang her while your wife watches. But no gay marriage. How about that hot sister of yours? Nail her! But no gay marriage. Not able to get it up anymore. Let your son step up to bat with your wife. But....no....gay....marriage.
Now, if you want my opinion, I say that's some fucked up shit there. I mean, where's the bible verses about birth defects due to inbreeding, or about how maybe the girl who was raped doesn't want to marry her rapist. The sexy maid thing doesn't sound so bad, as long as all three of you are into it. But what the fuck does it matter if someone uses the word "marriage" when two people who love each other, who happen to have the same genitalia, want to join themselves together in life? It's not like the word "marriage" doesn't get used for other things, like companies working together, or the toppings on a pizza, or the combination of features on a DVD player.
Last but not least, my father is a gaping cockhole. Fuck you dad!

Polyamourously Yours,
Jesus H. Christ

Friday, May 15, 2009

Money is the root of all happiness

J'man...

Jesus juice. God particle. The Jesus Lizard. Jesus Christ Superstar. this is just to name a few.

There seem to be a lot of people who use your guys names in other connotations or for monetary gain. Does this bother you ? Are you a sell-out or corporate shill, just giving up your "brand" to the highest bidder ? Are you at least getting a kick-back ? And if you are making a profit, shouldn't you be giving it back to your investors i.e. your worshippers ? Or are you just building a really kick-ass house on the west coast with your "product placement" dirty money ?

warm regards,

Financially Unique Child Kindly Trying to Ascertain Real Dynamics

Fucktard,

Money makes the world go 'round. If you have a commodity that people want to buy, who am I to judge you for selling?
My point is, Greed, for lack of a better word, is good. Greed is right, greed works. Greed clarifies, cuts through, and captures the essence of the evolutionary spirit. Greed, in all of its forms; greed for life, for money, for love, knowledge has marked the upward surge of mankind. And greed, you mark my words, will not only save your soul, but that other malfunctioning corporation called the USA. Thank you very much.

Blatantly Stealing Lines from Wall Street,
Jesus H. Christ

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Sometimes it isn't meant to be.

Dear Jesus,
I have a boyfriend who barely talks to me. We never see each other and he never e-mails me. It's like he’s ignoring me for some reason. I don't know what to do. A lot of my friends say that he doesn't like me but I don’t believe them. What do you think I should do? Do you think I should dump him?
-Alex Forrest

Dear Alex,
Is this the kind of boyfriend who you only see in passing, and who at night you watch through his bedroom window with a pair of high powered night vision binoculars? If so, then you are what we call a "stalker". If not, then you must be ugly or boring. Either way, he doesn't like you.

Loving you from a safe distance,
Jesus H. Christ

Monday, May 11, 2009

Hotter Than Hell

I have a Carrier A/C condenser unit model 38CKB036. The fan on the unit recently started running continuously, and runs at about 400-500 RPM vs. the rated 1500 RPM. The only way I can stop it is to cut the power at the disconnect. I have replaced the dual run capacitor with no effect and have removed and cleaned / check the contactor. Any idea what can cause this? I am a bit surprised that there is power to the fan when the contacts are open.

Thanks !!

- Cant Understand this Non-working Tech

Dear C.U.N.T.,

Try adding a household lubricant, such as Vaseline or WD-40 to the contactor pegs. Over time, the friction from turning on and off can cause the parts to remain in the on, or the off position. If this does not work, it might be time to call your local priest or pastor to cast the demons out of your A/C unit. Should this still not work, and the demon causes your priest to kill himself, your only option is a new unit.
Jesus H. Christ

Thursday, May 7, 2009

Incest is Best (if you're a backwoods fuckup.)

Dear Jesus,

I'm almost ashamed to write this, but I have an addiction. Every morning, before I take my shower, I slap my ham to Mother/Sister incest porn. Afterward, I beat myself with a leather belt. It has a metal buckle that stings so good.
Something is clearly wrong with me. What I'm asking is this. Have you ever hooked up with your Mom or Sister? Or Both? Oh yeah, tell me! Yeah yeah,...ungh......ug.....Ahhhhhhhhhh!!!..............
whew, I'm sleepy now.

-Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

What you have is a common fetish for incest. I'd love to help you out, but I find it pretty disgusting myself. However, I've informed the local sex offender registry of your whereabouts in Liberty, South Carolina, and you should be getting a visit from a police officer within the hour.
Thanks for writing in.

Your Friend on Earth and in Heaven,
Jesus Soundwave Christ

Dear JC

I know how to solved the Pell's equations
x^2 - by^2 = 1
and
x^2 - by^2 = - 1
, but I am interested in the more general
x^2 - by^2 = c
Now I know if we have one solution
(p,q)
then we can find infinitely many solutions with
(p - q\sqrt {b})(r - s\sqrt {b})^n
where
(r,s)
is the first solution to
x^2 - by^2 = 1
My question is, how do we know when we have all the "primitive" solutions
(p,q)
that will generate all the solutions? (Also, is it possible that there would be infinite primitive solutions?)

Sincerely,

Badly Learning Odd Wacked Math Equations

NERD!!!!
Ever Patient and Kind,
Jesus H. Christ

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Bipolar Bitch

Dear Jesus,
I am not sure how I feel about this guy. He really cares for me and likes me a lot. The only problem is that I don't really know if I like him. Some days I miss him and wish I could talk to him, but other days I forget about him and say that I don't like him. What is my problem? Why do I like him some times and others I don't?
Liliana G., Phoenix, AZ

Dear Liliana,

You are seriously fucked up. The End.